there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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