I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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