i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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