Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
