I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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