One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
