The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
