I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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