I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
