When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
