grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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