I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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