i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
