Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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