I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
