So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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