Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I can't trust your balls anymore.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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