everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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