I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
