I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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