I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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