Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize