I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
