Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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