my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Can't talk, ducks in the car
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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