You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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