I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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