I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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