He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
These tits shall not be calmed
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
