Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
