I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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