Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
