There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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