I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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