i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
