I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
