ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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