My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
