I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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