i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
