My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize