dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
