life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize