I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
