I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
well most of my day revolves around power hour
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
