Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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