If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
