Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
