I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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