i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
How does one acquire holy water?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
