Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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