I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
