My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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