i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
