Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
