Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I checked into jail on foursquare
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
